I can't feel at home.

I've shared my struggle with my current situation, career and life. I don't like where I am. I want it to be different. It's uncomfortable. It's discouraging. It's just not fun. In this place, though, I'll still tell you I'm doing OK. The Lord meets my true needs. I'm blessed with a wonderful wife of nearly 17 years, great friends and a special church. I've got a lot to be thankful for, and I am thankful. Yet, there are still things I wish were different. I don't like this place and I think to myself, "life was supposed to be different. I'm not supposed to be here."

Then I had a short chat with an older, wiser friend who reminded me of something I often forget. My "here" is wrong. The "here" I'm not happy with is not my present circumstances, but this fallen, sinful world. I've been focusing on the the wrong "here." We weren't made for this place. It's simple yet profound. This world and it's trouble continually remind us that we were made for someplace different. A life in unbroken relationship with the Lord and with others.

The old hymn was spot on... this world is not our home, we're just passing through. We were made for a different place and none of us will find complete contentment and peace until we get there. I think we're supposed to be uncomfortable in this world. It makes us long for home and dependent on the only source of contentment and peace that matters. Until we cross over Jordon, we're going to feel a bit out of sorts. Now I understand the closing line of that old song, "I can't feel at home in the world anymore."

I can't feel at home here. I never will. And that's OK.

Back to Egypt.

I don't like where I am right now. I'm uncertain and discouraged about my career and dreams. I just had my one year anniversary in a job I don't enjoy. My career trajectory stalled, if not crashed, a year ago. I'm back doing the same kind of work I was doing 6 years ago, and for less money than back then. The career progress of the last few years was wiped out. I'm not sure why the Lord has me here. I know it's a journey, but I want to know the direction and the goal. I'd just like to go back to better times.


And then I came across Number 14:3-4. It's a curious passage. "Why is the Lord bringing us into this land, to fall by the sword? Our wives and our little ones will become a prey. Would it not be better for us to go back to Egypt?” And they said to one another, “Let us choose a leader and go back to Egypt” (ESV).


We read that today, knowing the end of the story, and wonder how they could be so foolish and short-sighted. The Israelites could only see the pain where the Lord had them, and not the plan He was working. Not only was He was leading them to the Promised Land, but was calling them to be His people. It was a gracious gift but they wanted to throw it all away and go back to slavery. They wanted the certainty of the daily routine. Even if that was a return to oppression.


But aren't we that way too?


We can only see the pain and uncertainty of right now. We know the Lord has a plan for us but we don't know what it is. We enter a time of transition and the future is uncertain; we are wandering. We want out of the desert even if it means not going where the Lord is leading us. We want the familiar. Going back to the known routine can make slavery look better than being free. But the Lord leads and He's certain of our destination.


I don't like where I am right now. But that's OK, I don't need to. It's not the end of the story. I'll tell you more next time.

Understanding is overrated.

Something I've noticed in myself and others is our need to figure out what the Lord is doing in all aspects of our lives. On the surface it seems we're very spiritual people who are seeking the Lord's guidance in all we do. But in reality, we're not. We're self-absorbed. Do we really need to question God's purpose in every aspect of life? I'm not saying we shouldn't ask the Lord to lead our lives into His purposes, but I think we can over do it.


There is a danger to spiritualizing everything that's happening to us. The problem is we're making everything about us. We begin to crave understanding and then seek it in every instance. When it comes down to it, we're not making it about God's will but our comprehension of it. We're predicating His work on our understanding.


In my last post I wrote, "Jesus told us, 'do not worry about tomorrow'." The context of that is that we don't have to worry, He's got it. Our basic needs? He'll take care of it. Our relationships? He's in them. Career? It's mapped out. Life? Taken care of, here and for eternity. In everything that happens, He's with us.


Why do we ask "what" and "why" so much when we already know the true answer. We belong to the Father. We are loved more than we can express. We are fellow heirs with Christ. Why do we wonder what He's doing when what He's doing is drawing us closer to Him. In our current circumstances, whether good or bad, He's calls us.


We don't need to understand. We just need Him.

Just getting by.

Wow. I just realized my last post was almost 2 months ago. March was difficult. I wasn't thinking about the future and just tried to get through each day. It was a slog in the mud. In April I felt empty. My prayers were the same ever day. I just asked for strength to deal with the now. I didn't write. My thoughts were empty. But it wasn't all bad. I got through it. Each day, I was able to handle the challenges and make it to the next. Isn't that what we're promised, that the Lord will be with us each day and provide what we need. There's a reason Jesus told us, "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Reading that, It seems foolish to complain that I'm just getting by one day at a time.

If He's with me, that's enough.

I believe, yet I doubt.

My posts have been a bit irregular the last couple weeks. I'm sorry, I really want to post 4-5 times a week. I've written and rewritten this post about dealing with doubt a dozen times. It's been hard to finish. I'm in the middle of a season of doubt about myself, my vocation and even my worth. I know the Lord loves me, values me and counts me as His son. But in weeks like this, I still wonder.

During hard times, it's natural to wonder what God is doing and where He is. Deep in my soul I know he loves me, but sometimes it seems He's far away. Doubt is not uncommon to the Lord's people, take Psalm 102 for instance. The Psalmists asks why the Lord is hiding His face while he suffers. But it's OK to have doubt and questions and those feelings are normal. Thank God, He's big enough to handle them. It's not like the Lord's up there thinking, "Oh no, Kendall's doubting my plan. I hope I've got it all worked out... not sure where this thing's going." Nope. He's got it figured. He's told me so.

Last Sunday we sang the old hymn "Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus." I love the chorus, "Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him... Oh, for grace to trust Him more!" It reminds me of the father who begged Jesus to heal his son and cried out, "I believe; help my unbelief!" I really get that. I believe my Father loves me and is working a plan for my life. I know He has not abandoned me in my dark times. I don't doubt He's with me, but I still have doubts.

Oh, for grace to trust Him more.

Me vs. God

Last post I mentioned I'm not happy where I'm at in my career and thought I'd be at a different place right now. I've got problems. But it's not my circumstances that are problems, it's my attitude. I'm making it all about me, about what I want and when I want it. When it comes down to it, I'm a selfish child. Where did I get the idea that my life is about me? It's not new, the problem goes back to the beginning and we're all believing the original lie. Does God really know what's best for us?

It would be nice if the Lord gave us trust and patience easily, but those characteristics only increase as we're put to the test. Growth never occurs without difficulty. It's in the midst of the storm that I realize I'm helpless to guide my life. Only when I'm honest in my pain do I understand that my life is not mine. Suffering hurts and it shows me I'm not in control. We hurt when things don't go they way we thought they should. There's the problem. I have an idea how I want my life to be and my Father has another. Guess who's gonna win that tug-of-war?

It's a hard lesson. You're life if not about you. You can't learn that quickly and you'll need continual refresher courses. I get those lessons all the time. The Lord constantly pulls me back and focuses me on what He's doing. In my storms I see Him more clearly. His plan for my life is for my good, but it's primarily for His glory.

My life isn't about me... it's all about Him.

There is no quick and easy fix.

I hope I didn't give you the wrong impression in the last post. I don't have the suffering thing figured out. Not even close. Honestly, I hate it. Right now is a tough time. I'm impatient, selfish and questioning God. I wish it would just get better. But I don't know how to flip a switch and make suffering go away. I wish it were that easy. I can't tell you how to fix everything that is broken in your life. There is no quick fix to whatever your suffering through.

I can't tell you how to fix your problems because I'm useless to fix mine. Right now I'm walking through a tough time in my career. I doubt my abilities and worth. I feel like I've failed. Things were supposed to be different. I don't think I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, but I don't see any options. I'm having a hard time trusting the Lord with my vocation. I ready for this time to end.

There's a lot about suffering that I still don't understand, but I've learned some things. I'm certain of this... you are not alone in your pain. Your Father has not abandoned you. Sometimes you don't hear His voice or see His hand working. But He's there and has never stopped loving you. Even on my worst days, I trust my Father completely. I've walked through many dark valleys and He's never abandoned me. If you're hurting now, please know the Lord is with you.

You are not alone.

The man from Uz.

I'm certain God answers prayers for wisdom, patience and trust because I've see those qualities grow in my own life. I'm definitely more patient, wise and trusting at 43 than I was at 23. Looking back, I see how far I've come but I also see how far I have to go. That's the funny thing about Christian maturity, as you make progress on the journey you also learn that the road is much longer than you ever dreamed. At 23, I would have said I'd figure it out by the time I hit 43. When I was young, I didn't think the journey would be too long. Decades later I realize that I've barely started the walk.

As a young man I wanted to write a book about Job. I've loved the story of Job since I dug into it in grad school. I feel in love with the story's main character. By the way, it's not Job. Surprised? You may have heard that the book is about Job, a patient God-fearing patriarch. That's wrong on a couple levels. Job wasn't that patient, he gets down right angry and arrogant. And, it's not about him. It's about Him. Job's story is a story about the Lord. It's not so different from our stories. They are not ours, they're His.

Two decades ago I prayed some of the most dangerous prayers I've ever prayed. I asked God to help me understand Job so I could share it with others. I had no idea what I was asking for but I got it. I love the life the Lord has given me, but its been difficult beyond measure.  Back then I had no basis to comprehend Job's suffering. I do now. I've lost many things: careers, possessions, relationships and my children. I don't claim to be an expert in many things, but I know suffering. So I want to use this blog to explore ideas in trusting God through suffering.

If you're suffering now, I'm sorry. I can't tell you what it is, but the Lord will do something amazing through it.

He always does. Always.

Prayers God always answers.

What happens when you ask God for a million dollars? Maybe I'm doing it wrong. It's never worked for me, probably not for you either. God's not a wish-granting genie but a lot of us keep hoping he will be. He rarely gives us exactly what we ask for. I've prayed for a lot of things that I've never received. I doubt I'm the only one. But I'm convinced there are some request the Lord always answers. Always. Every time.

James tells us to ask the Lord for wisdom and we'll get it. He's right. That's one of those slam-dunk prayers. It's the same with patience, trust and endurance. If you desire those characteristics of Christian maturity, you'll get them. Please understand, there's a big caveat to those request. A really big caveat. You're probably not going to like how the Lord teaches you those lessons. It's going to hurt, all growing pains do.

You're probably not going to get a Solomon moment. The way I understand the story, Solomon asked for wisdom and he got it, just like that. Instantly he was the wisest man on the planet. But for the rest of us it's going to take a while. Those lessons are learned slowly and painfully. Wisdom is learned through mistakes. Endurance is forged in suffering. Patience is gained by waiting. Trust grows in seasons of doubt.

Be careful what you ask the Lord for, you might just get it.

Lord, don't you care?

I've always loved the story of Jesus sleeping through the storm. Here's Mark's account (Mark 4:37-39 ESV)

A great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

I've been there. I can't fault the apostles for asking the same thing. It's terrifying being in a small boat in a big storm. Honestly, a part of me was there today because it was a tough day at the office. I my last post I wrote about how I lost the best job I ever had. I found a new one, and thank God for a job that pays the bills, but it's a difficult place to work. I find myself thinking, "hey Lord, this boat's going down. Don't you care?"

It's great that Matthew and Mark included this story for us. It's good to know the guys closest to Jesus wondered if he cared about their menacing circumstances. This wasn't just a spring shower. Overwhelming waves were filling the boat and Peter and the rest were bailing water as fast as they could. And through it all, Jesus was sound asleep. I love to picture it. Raging storm. Threatening waves. Sleepy Messiah.

Jesus wasn't worried about the storm because he know how insignificant it was. Three little words ended it. Jesus overwhelmed the chaos of the storm and calmed the seas. Not just a little calm, but great calm. Remember that as storm blows around you and the waves crash over your head. Go tell Jesus, he's ready to calm your storm and your spirit.

Peace. Be still.

Don't forget who you are.

This blog didn't start at the beginning of my story. We're picking it up at the end. Well, not the end end, but the end of right now. My current storm began to rage last spring. It started with one of those days I'll never forget. There are a few other day throughout my life that I still remember changing me. Some were good, others not so much. February 11, 1994 changed my life and May 28, 2003 changed my soul. I'll tell you about those someday. But on March 28, 2011 I lost a job that I absolutely loved. It's weird that almost exactly a year prior, in March 2010, I wrote this...

I am a son of the Most High God, Creator and Sustainer of life,

Sovereign Lord of Heaven and Earth,the only source of salvation and significance.

I was chosen and adopted by Him, a joint-heir of Jesus Christ,

sharing in all rights and privileges endowed upon a son of the King.

The enemy will attack me, he can take those precious to me,

everything I have, even my own life; but he can never take away my identity.

I am a son of the Most High God.

A year before the storm hit, I was assured of who I am. I'm my Father's son. Identity is critical when life's storms come. When you're certain of who you are, everything changes. Circumstance no longer define who you are.

More than knowing who I am, I know whose I am.

There's a storm coming.

I'll never forget November 2010. Around Thanksgiving I began to hear the Lord ask me if I trusted Him. I'm not sure how God talks to you, but I felt the question deep in my soul. "Do you trust Me?" There was no mistaking who was asking. It was the voice of the Spirit and it wouldn't quit.

I told my friends and June (my wife) that something was coming. I was certain of it. I kept hearing the question for months. I tried to ignore it, but the Spirit is persistent. Who knew? When God’s trying to get your attention, He’s doesn’t give up.

He doesn't often give you a heads-up before trouble. Usually, life just happens and you learn to trust Him in the moment. Having a hint didn’t make it easier. If anything, my fear grew in the anticipation. The trust dynamic changes when you know about trouble in advance. I knew a storm was coming but I knew He already saw the other side. (FYI, I’m not on the other side… yet).

A part of me was afraid. But another part was ready to get started. My gut was telling me that I wasn't going to like what was about to happen. I knew it would be unpleasant, and maybe, downright painful. My heart was telling me that I was going to be OK. I always am.

I answered with reluctant certainty, "You know I do." The question wasn't easy to answer, but it wasn't difficult either. For 43 years God has always been faithful to me.

I was certain He wasn’t going anywhere when the storm hit.

Do you trust me?

What are the four scariest words someone can ask you? Is it "wanna hold a snake?" That question terrifies me. But the big scary question is "do you trust me?"

Hang on. That's my first thought. Then my mind finds a million excuses for whatever request is coming. I'm not sure I want to do it. I love them and all, but hey, we don't know each other that well. I mean, we're just friends. I don't like it when others make demands of me. I try to find a way out. Is that what you do when someone ask you to trust them?

When someone ask you that question, you're being invited into an adventure. Probably a risky one. Nobody ever asks you to trust them then gives you a bag of cotton candy. Cotton candy requires no trust. Sacrifices do. You may have to give up time, money or yourself. You have to be vulnerable. It's going to cost you something when you join in someones life.

It is a leap of faith to trust a friend when they ask you to journey together into something new, something scary. So what do you feel when the Lord ask you that question?

How terrifying is that?